so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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