Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
