You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
