After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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