So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
