So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
even my farts smell like vagina
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
