Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
