The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
