community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
