two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
