well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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