Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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