Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
