so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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