but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
