you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
