Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
