he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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