You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
