Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
