I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
