I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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