I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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