Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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