mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
