bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
