Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
