And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
