You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
