the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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