and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
