Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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