What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
