Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
