I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
