im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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