I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
