I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
