Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
