so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
