I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
What drink are we having for lunch?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
