Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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