I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
