I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
