I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
