I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
