Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So apparently I’m into choking now
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
