Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
