worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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