Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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